Courage, Compassion, Connection: Coming Out of Shame

How do we come out of a wounded mindset? There's a "Three Cs" principle that really helps: Courage, Compassion and Connection.

The book Daring Greatly says that whether you're a president or an ordinary person, deep down you feel you're not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough. Everyone carries shame. The more we hide our shame, the more ashamed we feel. Shame keeps us from daring to connect with people, from daring to live the life we really want; all we can do is live by other people's demands and expectations.

The First C: Courage

We need the courage to admit our weakness, to admit the fragility, fear and worry inside us. Other people's acceptance starts with you opening yourself up first.

A lot of parents insist their children must be good, must make a success of themselves, because we ourselves lack a sense of worth and want to "lend" it to our kids: only when the child is perfect do we feel we're worth something. But then the child can never live as who they are. My hope is that we'll stop wanting our children to be good children in other people's eyes, and instead be willing to change, accept our children, and let them be themselves.

The Second and Third Cs: Compassion and Connection

My younger sister's family of origin was badly broken. Her father died when she was very small, and she was sent to be raised by relatives, where she was always watching people's faces for their mood. Later she went back to her birth mother, but she was terribly lonely. She was insecure and withdrawn; when she was hurt, all she knew to do was hide away and cry in secret.

After the Wise Woman course started, she often came and shared her story: her brokenness, her marriage, her family of origin and her children. At first she was very afraid, but when she really opened up, she found it wasn't so frightening after all; instead she felt everyone's acceptance. Her hurt took on meaning too: she used her experience of being wounded and then comforted to bless the other sisters, and she herself received compassion, love and affirmation in return.

Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

2 Corinthians 1:4

This connection isn't about pointing out what's wrong; it's about appreciating each other and encouraging each other. She no longer fixes her eyes on what she can't do, on what she lacks, on her family of origin. Instead she sees: so many people love me, and I can go and help sisters who are truly in need. She found her worth, and the shame was taken away.

Your Memory Bank Can Change

Maybe we've always felt we don't deserve to be loved, so we wrap ourselves up tighter and tighter. But we can't stay stuck in the same experience forever and expect a different result out there. Have the courage to take in a new, good experience, and through compassion and connection, let it replace the old one. When your memory bank and your way of seeing things are renewed, your behaviour is different, and your life changes along with it.

When we're willing to walk out of the hurts of our family of origin, it isn't only us who are healed; we bring blessing down on our children, even on our whole extended family. My sister's son saw his mum honouring her own mother, and he learned to respect and love his grandmother too. He even wants to help teenagers who've been through hard times like he has.

Battered and bruised in childhood, yet now every step bears the mark of grace.