Seven Marks of a Healthy Family of Origin

What kind of family can meet our deepest needs? Let's look together at the seven marks of a healthy family of origin. They can help us understand why we are the way we are today, and help us build a healthy, happy "family of origin" for our own family and kids today.

1. Safe and secure

On one side is physical safety: food, clothes, a home and getting around are all provided for. On the other side is emotional safety: not having to worry about being abandoned for not being good or smart enough, or looked down on for not being pretty or capable enough. When our child scores ninety-nine and we ask, "Where did that one point go?", the child will feel they're not good enough, not worthy of love. We need to tell our kids often: "Mommy loves you. You've already done great!"

2. Special experiences of being treasured

The way we were loved as children becomes the way we love others later. My most loved memory from childhood is my mom making something delicious just for me. So today I can cook for forty people in two hours. That's how I show love. Parents need to set aside one-on-one time for each child, so each one feels they're the best, most special, most lovable child in their parents' hearts. Memories of being treasured will carry a child through a lifetime of hard times. People who were never treasured will demand double the love from their spouse once they're married, and find it hard to feel the love they've already been given.

3. Making your own decisions and owning them

This is rare in most Chinese families. Parents love their kids so much that they arrange their time, homework and tutoring classes for them, and the result is kids who are either irresponsible or timid and never dare to say "no." Take away a child's right to make mistakes, and you take away their right to grow. My major in university was chosen for me by my mother, and later I switched careers completely.

4. Expressing yourself freely and openly

When we were little, we lived in a "children should be seen and not heard" culture, and a lot of us never learned to communicate. As I remember it, my parents were both very busy, and nobody talked with me; if I behaved badly, I got a beating. As a result, in my marriage I didn't let anyone else give their opinion either. From start to finish, I was the only one talking. The goal of communication is to understand your child, not to reach agreement. If, at the end of the conversation, the child doesn't feel loved, it's failed.

5. Relax and have fun

It's not just kids who need to know how to play; parents need to know how too. When we relax, settle down and rest, it's like a car getting filled up and serviced. My younger sister was meticulous from childhood, easily tense, and didn't know how to play. Now she often tells her daughter, "Come on, Mommy will play with you." Her daughter says, "Mommy, you're better at playing than you used to be!" When they're playing, kids' hearts open up.

6. A close emotional bond with family

People who didn't build a close relationship with their parents in their family of origin find it hard to build a close relationship with their spouse once they're married. Especially a lot of men, who were taught from childhood that "real men don't cry" and don't know how to express their feelings. When we stay closely connected as a family, the first thing our kids will think of when they hit trouble is to come to us.

7. Living within real limits

Kids need to learn from their parents what they can do and what they can't. Parents need to practise what they preach, and set rules for themselves first. If you won't let your kids play on their phones but you look at your own phone during dinner, they won't buy it. In life, you sow first and then you reap. Sow seeds of love, and you'll reap the fruit of love.