A Fight over a Dishcloth: How Your Family of Origin Shapes You

We're willing to change what we believe, and we try hard, yet we often find the old patterns sneaking back the moment we're not paying attention. We've updated what we believe about raising children, that love comes first, and still we can't help yelling at our kids, scolding them, rushing them.

All of this has to do with our family of origin. Until we deliberately change, every belief we hold and every pattern in our close relationships comes from our family of origin. Once we recognise its influence, a lot of change becomes easier.

One Little Dishcloth

My younger sister and her husband once had a big, big fight over one little dishcloth in the kitchen. He thought a dishcloth should be replaced every three months; that was healthier. She thought the cloth was still perfectly good: scrub it hard, boil it in water, and it's clean enough. Each of them thought, why is the other one so stubborn, so set in their ways?

The only reason was that their families of origin were completely different. My sister grew up short of food and clothes, so not wasting things was a rule. Her husband never had to worry about food or clothes growing up; to him health came first, and how much is a dishcloth worth anyway? Once they understood where the other's view came from, they could accept each other. Now he says, "It's fine, change it whenever you want." And sometimes when she sees he's already replaced it, she thinks that's fine too. They've never fought about it again.

Four Dishes and a Full Fridge

My family was poor when I was little, and my value was: marry a rich man. My husband was born into a well-off family in Taiwan. When we ate out, I had to order at least four dishes. Our fridge was always crammed full. Every time I cooked, I made huge amounts, and often more than half went in the bin. My husband likes to eat just enough, so we were always clashing over it.

Only when I discovered that the problem was that I'd grown up badly short of food and clothes, and deep down I always felt there wouldn't be enough to eat, was I willing to change and stop wasting food when I cooked.

Wearing the Lenses of Your Family of Origin

What many people feel at home isn't warmth but hurt and frustration. Some grow up and keep their distance from their parents and don't want to go home. Some treat home like a hotel: after work they'd rather sit in the car a while longer than walk in the door. And yet every one of us longs, deep inside, for a home where we can let down every defence, a home truly full of love.

Almost everything a healthy family of origin needs, I didn't have as a child. When I got married, I decided my husband had a pile of problems, my mum had problems too; it was all their problem. I was wearing the lenses of my family of origin to interpret everything around me, and my conclusion was: the whole world owes me, it's always other people who are in the wrong. I could do my work well, very successfully, but my relationships were a total mess. I never used to think I'd been hurt, yet I just couldn't get close to anyone.

Later, as I slowly got healthier, I realised how much I owed my husband. I used to feel he owed me a million; now I feel I'm the one who owes him a million. So much love grew in my heart, because only when you feel you owe someone do you really treasure them.

Most marriage problems have their roots in the family of origin. Going back to our family of origin helps us understand ourselves and each other, and find the cure.