From Knowing to Doing: Four Reconciliations for Growing in Life

We've taken so many courses and learned all kinds of theories. We know what we should do, but actually doing it is hard. So today's topic is: from knowing to doing.

I'm a counselor, and I've done many years of hands-on counseling. I'm more and more convinced that reconciling with your family of origin isn't just a psychological topic. It's also a journey of spiritual growth. All of us have been hurt to some degree, and to get to real healing, we have to go through four reconciliations.

1. Reconciling with Your Family of Origin

Our family of origin is the first soil our emotions grew in, and it may also be our first wound. Reconciling doesn't mean my parents did nothing wrong. It means I choose to let go of unreasonable expectations, and I'm willing to accept and forgive them. People who haven't reconciled often show these signs: they can't accept themselves, because they were put down from childhood; they overreact emotionally, because what they bottled up as children was never dealt with; in relationships they keep people-pleasing and shortchanging themselves, replaying the role they played with their parents as children.

Honour thy father and mother; that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

Ephesians 6:2–3

2. Reconciling with Yourself

Many people aren't held back by the world around them. They're stuck on themselves: endless guilt over wrong decisions, always demanding perfection of themselves, terrified of not being loved, always telling themselves, "Why am I so bad?" The road to healing is seeing that your worth doesn't depend on how you perform. It rests on the fact that God made you. Learn to make friends with the self who fails and the self who is weak.

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.

Proverbs 4:23

3. Reconciling with Responsibility

This means telling apart what you should carry and what you should put down. Some people are afraid of failing and feel they have to be responsible for everything. Others run from it and always think it's someone else's fault. What I see most often in us women is taking on too much responsibility for our children, our parents and other people, until it crushes us. My part, I take responsibility for. Other people's part, I let them take responsibility for. Learning to say "no" is a sign of maturity.

For every man shall bear his own burden.

Galatians 6:5

4. Reconciling with God

This is where all healing begins, and where it ends. Many people have come to faith, yet they don't believe God loves them. They feel God is judging and punishing them, so they live in fear and rules and don't dare draw near to God. God doesn't look at you with a checklist. He looks at you with a father's love.

Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.

James 4:8