See the Pattern, Stop People-Pleasing

Our family of origin is our roots. Our emotions, our relationships and our values all carry the marks of childhood.

Our parents are our first mirror: however they see us, that's how we see ourselves. If your parents felt you had no worth, you'll feel you have no worth. Many adults carry their family of origin with them their whole lives. After eighteen, they keep repeating the days before eighteen, and they don't even notice. You have to see it first. Then you can change.

Notice the Hidden Control

Many people never realize that behind their parents "being good to me" there is sometimes control and coercion. The most common forms are emotional blackmail, moral coercion and over-dependence, and the typical lines are: "I'm doing this for your own good." "After all I did raising you, you ought to..."

When I say this, I'm not criticizing parents. I want to help you separate yourself from your parents. I know a client whose parents insisted he study medicine. He got his medical degree, handed the diploma to his parents, and then went off to work in computers, which is what he loved. Real love lets a person become who they are, not a tool for fulfilling their parents' wishes. Noticing hidden control is the first step toward healing.

Recognize the Family Script

The family script shapes how we date, how we handle conflict, even how we choose a career. You think you're making your own choices, but you may be copying your parents' patterns.

That's exactly what happened to me. My father died when I was thirteen, and my mother developed depression, so I had to look after her from a young age. Today I'm a counselor, and looking back, that too is a script written in that home. Without realizing it, we're all acting out the scripts our parents wrote. Only when we recognize them can we break the cycle and rewrite our own lives.

Honoring Them Also Helps Us See

A co-worker in ministry once shared that when her father-in-law and then her mother came to live with her family, she was amazed to discover that the flaws she disliked most in herself had all been learned from her parents. Living with your parents is the fastest way to see your own patterns. Once you see them, you can come before God and ask him to take these things away from us.

Stop People-Pleasing, Set Boundaries

At the core of a people-pleaser is this belief: if I'm good enough, then I deserve to be loved. The road to healing is knowing this: you already deserve to be loved. You don't need to prove it anymore.

Real reconciliation isn't bottling up your feelings. It's no longer being manipulated. A healthy person is someone who can say "no."

The Railing by the Playground

I often tell this story. There was a school whose playground had no railing on one side, right next to the road. So the children only dared to play in the middle of the playground and stayed away from that side. Later the school put up a railing along the road, and then the children could run all the way to the edge and play without worry.

Boundaries aren't walls. They're protection.
Healthy boundaries let us love without being trapped.

Criticizing and Judging Is Really About Control

Someone asked me: "If criticizing and finding fault is really a kind of self-protection, then without it, how do you change a person?"

When we criticize and judge, we're trying to change the other person, to control them. But the only one we can really control is ourselves. When you scold him and blame him, he can't actually take any of it in. It only damages the relationship. The only way to influence a person is through love, through your own behavior. If you want your kids off their phones, put yours down first. The power of example is limitless.

This is even more true with our husbands and our grown children. Criticizing and judging won't change them. It's really just venting our own emotions. Once you see that, you'll let go, and you'll accept and love. If he changes, it will be because of love. And whatever you truly can't let go of, entrust to God.

For every man shall bear his own burden.

Galatians 6:5

Setting boundaries also means knowing which burdens aren't mine. We'll come back to this in "Reconciling with Responsibility."