After My Son Clashed with His Dad

A teenage son needs his father. He learns how to be a man by watching everything his father does. But in our home, the relationship between father and son once hit rock bottom.

The night he stormed out

Back then my son was hooked on video games. One time, dinner was ready and he was still gaming. His dad called him, and he didn't answer. His dad flew into a rage, grabbed whatever was at hand and threw it at him. Without a word, 高明 ran out of the house. It was very cold that day, and he didn't even have a coat on. We were frantic, and his dad rode his bike around outside looking for him for a long time.

When my husband was young, like a lot of Chinese fathers of that generation, he kept his love in his heart and his demands on his lips. He had a quick temper too. In that period, I was stuck in the middle, playing the "lubricant," telling him over and over: never, ever hurt your child's self-respect, and especially don't criticize him in front of others; hug your son more, and let the warmth of your body pass on the love words can't say.

What moved me was that he really took it in, and he really changed.

A father bows his head first

After that, his dad started paying attention to how he treated his son. He stopped pushing 高明 to do so many things, and he apologized to his son for what happened that day. A father bowing his head and admitting he was wrong to his teenage son: 高明 has always kept that in his heart. It moved him deeply. That's when things between father and son started getting better.

Both of them are really good with their hands. His dad works in scientific research, and loves fixing the car himself. Every time he fixed the car, 高明 would squat beside him and watch, learning as he watched. His dad took 高明 fishing from the time he was very little. Before 高明 left home for school, he made a point of going fishing with his dad one more time. He said he wanted to relive those good childhood memories once more.

Later on, the solar panel program that took him onto the international stage was actually first his dad's idea, too.

I think 高明 is a lot like his dad in many ways. They're both very kind-hearted, and both very creative. 高明 later had the nerve to start a company and take risks, and he loves rock climbing; all of that comes from his dad.

The phone call from the summit

One November, 高明 and a few classmates went climbing on a mountain more than three thousand metres high. The weather was still fine in the morning, but in the afternoon it suddenly turned and started to snow. By the time they reached the summit, the weather was getting worse and worse, and they couldn't get down. In that moment, 高明 didn't call emergency services first. The first person he called was his dad. He said on the phone, "My phone's almost dead, and my hands are frozen. I can't hold the phone anymore." His dad immediately contacted emergency services. In the end, the people from the rescue centre found them and brought all the kids back safely.

Thinking back on it afterward, it still frightens me. But I also saw something in it: at a child's most dangerous, most helpless moment, the first person he thought of was his dad. The boy who'd once had something thrown at him by his dad, who'd stormed out of the house in anger, was the one who later, on a mountaintop, called that same dad first.

A father-son relationship can be repaired.
What repairs it is often the father setting aside his pride first and saying, "I'm sorry."

A home where a child feels safe

In high school, every Friday afternoon he'd bring a big crowd of friends to our house to play games and unwind together, and the house was always lively. He got along well with every one of them, because he's a very kind kid who always has other people on his mind. It was in high school, too, that his leadership started to show. He could rally people and influence them, and his classmates were happy to follow him. Later, at medical school, he was elected student council president. All of that really started on those lively Friday afternoons. I thought afterward: when a child is willing to bring his friends home, it means he feels his home is safe, a place he's proud of.

I want to say to all the dads: no one knows how to be a father at the start. You may have lost your temper when you shouldn't have, overlooked one of your children, or said things you regret. It's not too late for any of it. One of the most powerful things a father can do for his child is set aside his pride and say, "I'm sorry. Dad was wrong." Your child will remember those words for the rest of their life.