When Your Child Is Hooked on Games: Guide, Don't Ban

高明 was fascinated by computers and obsessed with video games. He used to sit in front of the screen all night, and whatever I tried, I couldn't pull him away. That was once the biggest source of conflict in our home. One time, dinner was ready and he was still gaming. His dad called him, and he didn't answer. His dad flew into a rage, grabbed whatever was at hand and threw it at him. Without a word, 高明 ran out of the house. It was very cold that day, and he didn't even have a coat on. We were frantic, and his dad rode his bike around outside looking for him for a long time. In that period, the father-son relationship hit rock bottom. I had only one thought in my head: is this thing going to ruin my child?

We also slowly learned to acknowledge our child's feelings. To change a child's behaviour, you first have to influence his thinking; to influence his thinking, you first have to acknowledge his feelings. Acknowledging feelings is the key that lets parents into a child's heart. And what hurts a child most deeply isn't criticism. It's being ignored.

When I talk with my child, I always try hard to make eye contact: my eyes on him, my body turned toward him, talking less and listening more. The door between us and 高明 opened again. He started telling me his dreams. One day he said, very seriously, "Mom, I'm going to be Bill Gates." I said, "Great, Mom's behind you."

I didn't ban 高明 from gaming altogether. Instead I set a bottom line: as long as his grades didn't drop below 90 and his homework was done, he could play. Because I understood that only a child who feels understood and respected won't hide in a virtual world to escape reality. More importantly, we started steering his passion for games toward somewhere bigger: encouraging him to learn computer programming, so that games became a door into the world of technology. I often think games may have been his first teacher on the way into the world of computers.

高明's story often makes parents ask me: my child is hooked on games too, what should I do? I've taken the road our family walked, and what I've seen in the counselling room over the years, and put it into four steps.

Step one: stop first, don't rush to confiscate

When a child is hooked, parents' most common reaction is to yell, cut the internet, smash the phone. But that usually just pushes the child further away, and can even teach him to play in secret. Calm yourself down first, and then face your child.

Step two: ask what he's looking for in the game

Games give a child three things: a sense of achievement, a sense of control, and the feeling of being with friends. If all three are in short supply in real life, the screen becomes his refuge. Later I learned to ask myself: what is 高明 looking for in games? The answer was that he loved creating things and loved solving hard problems.

Step three: make the rules together with your child

We agreed with 高明: once his homework was done and his grades were no lower than ninety, he could play. The rules were worked out together, written down, and the parents kept them too. Give a ten-minute warning before time is up instead of stopping him suddenly; if he breaks the agreement, calmly carry out what you agreed on beforehand.

Step four: steer the passion somewhere bigger

Help your child find a place in real life where he can win too. 高明 went from games into programming, and later made the solar software for the orphanage. When a child has a sense of achievement in real life too, the screen naturally loses some of its pull.

If because of gaming your child stops going to school for long stretches, turns day and night upside down, stops talking to the family completely, or starts hurting himself as soon as he's limited, please get professional help as soon as possible.

Problems don't get corrected away,
they get loved away.

Question 1: My child is hooked on games and his phone. He won't listen when I talk, and when I take it away he throws a fit. What do I do?

A child hooked on screens is rarely just "lacking self-control." Games give him three things: a sense of achievement (I can win), a sense of control (I'm the one who decides), and a sense of belonging (I'm with my friends). If all three are in short supply in his real life (always criticized about schoolwork, everything arranged for him, no close friends), the screen becomes his best refuge. So first ask yourself one question: what is he looking for in the game?

Here's what you can do:

1. Repair the relationship first, then talk about rules. Spend a week not criticizing his gaming. Instead, sit beside him, ask him to teach you a round, and ask him, "What's the hardest part of this game?" Only when a child feels understood will he be willing to listen to you.
2. Make the rules together with your child instead of announcing them one-sidedly. Have the whole family sit down for a family meeting and discuss: when can he play each day, for how long, and when he can't play (for example, when homework isn't done, or in the hour before bed). Write the rules down and put them on the wall, and the parents have to keep them too.
3. Give a warning ahead of time instead of stopping him suddenly. "Ten more minutes and it's time" causes a lot less conflict than pulling the plug the moment time is up.
4. Let consequences happen naturally instead of relying on yelling. If he breaks the agreement, carry out what you agreed on beforehand, say half an hour less play the next day. Keep your tone calm, don't drag up old scores, don't shame him.
5. Find him another place in real life where he can win. Sports, an instrument, programming, cooking, looking after his younger siblings: anywhere is good. With a sense of achievement in real life, the screen naturally loses some of its pull.