Parents Need to Say "I'm Sorry" to Their Children Too

We're always asking our kids to keep their word, asking them to apologize when they do something wrong. But what about us?

Mom didn't keep her word

高明 is very handsome, and he pays a lot of attention to how he looks. In high school, he really wanted to get his ears pierced. I didn't really agree. In my way of thinking, a boy getting his ears pierced just didn't seem quite right. But I didn't turn him down outright. Instead I set him a few conditions: his grades had to be above ninety, and he had to go find a job on his own.

He actually did it.

But once he'd done it, I went back on my word and still wouldn't let him go. He was really upset and said to me, "Mom, you didn't keep your word."

That stopped me in my tracks. When I thought about it, he was right. Later, he even asked a friend of mine to help him reason with me. In the end I told myself: since I promised him, I should keep my word. I let him go get his ears pierced.

It seems like a small thing, but I learned a very important lesson from it. A parent's promises to a child are that parent's credit in the child's heart. We ask our kids to keep their word, but what about us? If a parent promises and then goes back on it, will the child believe them next time?

When you can admit to your child, "Mom was wrong," and then keep your promise,
your child learns far more than an earring.

The slap I regret most

The thing I regret most in raising 高明 happened when he was very small. He and his little sister were both still very young then. One time, he hit his sister. My temper flared in an instant, and I slapped him.

I almost never hit him. That was the one time. To this day, when I think of it I still regret it so much: how could I hit my child? It was wrong for him to hit his sister, but using hitting him to tell him "you mustn't hit people" was a contradiction in itself.

If I could do it over, I'd first pick him up and move him away, wait until we'd both calmed down, and then tell him: your sister feels pain. You can say it out loud when you're angry, but you can't hit.

And what comforts me most is this child's loving heart and his kindness. I wonder, where did that come from? It came from his dad's kindness, and it also came from the love we have for one another as a family. Children won't do what we tell them; they'll live the way they see us live.