Reconciliation Is Rewriting Your Story in God

Reconciliation doesn't mean forgetting everything, and it doesn't mean your parents have changed. It means this: I know what happened, but I won't let it define me anymore. I choose to let go, and I choose to live my own life.

If our parents really did hurt us, we first need to admit that it does affect us today. Admit it, but don't get tangled up in it. We're adults now. We can't keep living in the shadow of "it's all my parents' fault." We need to take responsibility for how we act today.

I Am Made by God, Not an Extension of My Parents

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

2 Corinthians 5:17

In Christ we have a new identity. We no longer condemn the past, and we no longer demand love from our parents. The love our parents couldn't give, we can find in God's family, among brothers and sisters in Christ who can love us unconditionally. Once our connection with God is restored, we no longer need our parents' approval to prove ourselves.

Forgiveness Lets You Out

Forgiveness isn't denial. It doesn't mean your parents didn't hurt you, and it doesn't mean what they did was right. Not forgiving is like standing guard at the door of your heart every day, watching the prisoner locked inside. How exhausting that is! The Lord Jesus told a parable about it: a man owed his master ten thousand talents, and his master forgave him all of it. Then he turned around and seized a fellow servant who owed him a hundred pence, and wouldn't let go. God has already forgiven us those ten thousand talents. So why are we still chasing our parents for those hundred pence?

Should You Say It to Their Face?

Some people ask: "Should I confront my parents face to face?" There's no standard answer. The most important thing is this: if your parents aren't ready to hear it, don't say it. Reconciliation takes two. If the other side isn't ready, do your part first. Before Joseph forgave his brothers, he wept before God several times himself.

How Do You Know the Wound Has Healed?

If you can talk about the past calmly, without tears, without feeling upset, and without your body tensing up, then you're basically healed. With deep wounds, you need to go back into that experience and be renewed before God, and also reconnect in a new, loving relationship. The key to healing is reconnecting with people.

The day I was preparing this session, I was looking for something in my car and found a little bag full of change my mother had saved up for me. I never used to have change for parking when I went out, so she kept all her change, and every time we saw each other she'd say, "I saved this for you." In that moment I knew my mother really did love me. When we try to understand our parents, we can forgive them and stop holding on.