Reconciling with Yourself: Openness, Compassion, Connection

Reconciling with myself hasn't been easy at all. There were often two voices fighting inside me: one accusing me, one condemning me, always telling me I wasn't good enough, wasn't perfect.

When my emotions hit, I'd want to shut myself away: better if nobody talks to me at all. During that time it was my older sister who came knocking again and again, at the door of my heart and the door of my room: "Are you okay? Are you okay?" She would often tell me, "You're worth it. God loves you. I want you to know what unconditional love is." That relationship healed me little by little and helped me start to see myself through my heavenly Father's eyes.

Openness

I once read a book about "the power of vulnerability" that helped me a lot. It said that to live wholeheartedly as your best self, the first step is the courage to open up. I still have a lot of sharp edges today and I'm a long way from "smooth," but I've learned to name my shortcomings in a safe place. The perfectionism that grew out of reading people's faces and people-pleasing since I was small has to go; and every time the thoughts of accusing and blaming myself come up, I have to drive them out in Jesus' name.

Compassion

The second is compassion: loving, and also learning to set boundaries. When we walk alongside each other, whether you're walking with someone or someone's walking with you, we're giving love together and helping each other.

Connection

The third is connection. I used to be very afraid of connection. I could help people, but I rarely let anyone really into my heart. One night I had a dream, and the word "cement" kept appearing in it. Later I understood: cement is what joins one stone to the next.

So I followed that prompting and started connecting. The first person I walked alongside was a young mom who had just had her fifth child, and her husband was taking the older kids away for three weeks. I didn't know what I could do, so I just prayed with her every day. Not for long, but every single day. We cried together and laughed together, and we both got a great deal of help.

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Matthew 18:20

Once my sister and I were really distressed about something. She cooked a whole table of food and said, "Let's eat a good meal first, then we'll sort out the problem." I laughed. By the time we finished eating, God had already turned my heart halfway around. Loving yourself is sometimes that simple.